Que Sera Sera

There is a grief too deep to share

A mourning for things not yet lost

There is no understanding for those who have not lived it

There are good intentions, good wishes, good prayers but no knowledge of the searing pain that rips a mother’s heart with thoughts of memories that will not be made

Reluctance to share your fear

        “be positive”

                “speak life
                        “you have no faith” 

Are the accusations your heart throws in your face while

        “this will never change”

                “how will I cope”

                        “WILL I cope?”

Rage through your over-tired mind

My heart aches from doubt and weariness

My eyes burn from tears

        Too many unshed

                Too many shed

Why me, why her, why us?  Why not?

My back aches from carrying a body almost as long as my own, from being kicked, from being hit, from carrying the hurt

My heart hurts from the constant flow of words

        “shut up”

                “go away”

                        “NO”

From a mouth and heart that know no better

I am oh so very weary

        Weary of worry

                Weary of pretending not to worry

                        Weary of smiling and laughing while my                           heart breaks

Weary of carrying the burdens of others when my own are already too heavy to bear

Weary of judging those who don’t understand, who don’t know and are happy not to

Weary of the life I’ve been handed

How can I be so weary of all that but still not wish to give it up?  Would I wish my girl away?  NEVER!  Only well and whole and complete and healed!

There is an aloneness, a difference that keeps you separate from those around you.  Even those who would like to think they are your support and comfort.  They are not.  They are those who get to live normal lives with normal children who have all manner of idiosyncrasies that THEY will grow out of.  They do not ever wonder,

        “will my child ever learn to read?”

                “will my child ever graduate high school?”

                        “will my child ever have a job?”

        “will my child ever marry and have a family?”

                “will my child mature past the age of four?”

                        “will my child live past their next birthday?”

Instead, they worry about them leaving home and starting their new adult lives.

        “will she ever be able to live on her own?”

They worry about them being afraid in the night.

        “will she ever be able to sleep without us worrying whether she will wake again?”

They worry about them having separation anxiety

        “does she even care that I’m leaving her”

To worry is senseless.  In the words of the old song …

Que sera sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

New Blog

I'm no longer the only blogger in the family.   Yesterday my mother suggested that Ben start his own blog to share his photos with the world.  Now, you've got to understand, Ben doesn't often listen to my mother!  However, this time he did and quickly.  By this morning he had his blog set up and posted his first photo, the beautiful sunrise as seen from our kitchen window.   I'll weigh in occasionally with my thoughts!

For now you can find us at www.benandmarvel.wordpress.com.  I'm certain I'll come up with some more creative eventually!

A Homegoing

This afternoon we will celebrate the life of a Servant of God that I wish I had known better.  He was a man from whom we could learn a lot.  Last night, as I thought about him and prayed for his family during this time of sorrow, I remembered my own who have already experienced their Homegoing.   People that I had ample opportunity to know but don't feel like I did as fully as I could have or should have.   These are just two of the remembrances I've written to honor them.

  Quiet and Gentle   

Quiet and gentle, this was her way
Far from the Father she ne’er did stray.
Her arms, for her grandchildren, were open wide.
How we loved to sit and talk by her side.

Quiet and gentle, she loved us well.
With appreciation our hearts do swell.
To our loving Savior thanks we ascribe
For the dearest Grandma He did provide.

To cause others to love Him, her lifelong mission.
Many praises went up as prayers came to fruition.
Her life an example to all whom would see
Through heartache and joy, always faithful she’d be.

Quiet and gentle still is her way.
Now by the Father she will stay.
His arms for His child open wide.
Home with her Savior she will ever abide.

To our Heavenly Father, thanks be given
For lending to us this servant of Heaven.

                          

          Grandpa’s Knees

When I think of Grandpa
I see him on his knees
With one of us, pail in hand
Picking blueberries.

I see him out there, chopping wood
To keep winter fires going
Or in the garden, on his knees
Vegetables to keep growing.

On his knees we used to sit
When we’d come to Grandpa’s place
I’ve noticed that, in recent years,
Our own kids claimed that space.

I see him kneeling by a bed
He prayed so faithfully,
For help and strength for every day
And us, his family.

His children will remember
And grandkids, we will too,
Down on his knees
Grandpa was praying for you.

Grandpa’s heart beat for the Lord
All his earthly days,
On his knees, he showed us
A humble attitude of praise.

Dog Decisions???

I am seriously wondering if I weighed the pros and cons of having this dog in our house if the pros would win.  We are getting NO WHERE with the seizure alerting.  Despite being offered yummy liver treats, he would not even lift his head for the three seizures this morning.  

So, do I REALLY want to spend the next 15 years trying to keep one step ahead of the dog hair (impossible!) and coughing up a lung because said hair is so hard on my asthma?

 I hear the wonderful dog stories from our friends with autistic kids but not so much for those kids with epilepsy.  What to do, what do do?  Either decision leaves me in tears!

Just doing what I'm told!

After Dawsyn's birthday party, it was time to snuggle up with Dad and wind down.  We still had company so, instead of heading up to bed, they curled up in Dad's recliner.  Dad called Milkyway over to lay down on the floor beside them.  However, he used the command we always give at bedtime, "Milky, lay with your girl."  This was the result.

Okay, I'm here to lay with my girl!

Hmm, how'm I gonna make this work?

Getting comfy ... just a little more wiggle room ...

Aaahhh, all is right in my world!  Nitey nite!

Why is it all about Dawsyn?

That is a question that our son Matthew seldom asks out loud but I am certain must run through his head more than just once in a while!

The truth is, we have two kids.  Two GREAT kids!!  Sadly, because Dawsyn faces the challenges she does, she gets the most face time, concern time and blog time.  Fortunately, she has been blessed with the best big brother EVER.  Let me tell you a little about him ...

Matt is an awesome kid, well he was.  Now he's an awesome teenager!  That is a concept this mother is having trouble wrapping her head around.  However, the calendar is not to be argued with, nor is the measuring tape, the scale, the shoe size, the fur on the lip or the grocery bill ... he definitely is a teenager!

Ice cream cake and friends to celebrate becoming a teen

In the past twelve months this boy has shot up to 5'6 1/4" and shows no interest in slowing down.  I have a feeling that one day his dad at 6'2" will be looking up to him!  His feet, oh my goodness, those feet grow a size every two months!   Last baseball season he went through two pairs of cleats.  He grew out of the first pair we bought him before the end of the season.  This would not be so bad if we lived somewhere with a proper ball season but here it only lasts TWO MONTHS!

Not only does he play baseball, but also plays the piano and now the saxophone.  This year he has the opportunity to be in a school band so we've dug out his father's old tenor sax, had it refurbished and it is getting a regular workout!  Milkyway is not so sure he likes this particular instrument ... actually, he's quite sure that he does not like this particular instrument ... but we have great faith that we will be enjoying more than just chromatic scales soon!  The big band sound will be new to Matt but, because he loves music of all styles, I'm sure that he will enjoy this experience.  I hoping that he also takes a liking to jazz and gets involved in the jazz ensembles available.

Music is a pretty big theme in this home and Matt has been able to see many of his favorite groups live during this past year.  He and his dad pulled our trailer up to Edmonton to attended YC at he end of May and, by all accounts, had a fabulous time.  They enjoyed groups like Skillet, Thousand Foot Krutch, Manafest, Blue Tree and many more.  After listening to some of the CD's they brought home, I am quite happy that I opted to let that be an annual Father/Son experience.  I am sure there was some music there that I would have enjoyed, I'm afraid that there was more that I would not have!

Our trailer served as the gathering place for our

church youth group.  This is at breakfast one morning as 

huddled under the awning to stay out of the rain.

In a couple weeks the two of them will attend another big concert at Canada Olympic Park called Rock the River.  I'm sure they will have a very good time.

Fortunately, Matthew's musical tastes are very eclectic and he shares with me a love for Southern Gospel.  Ben is very happy to spend a weekend looking after Dawsyn so that Matt and I can enjoy our annual bonding weekend at the Great Canadian Southern Gospel Music Celebration in Red Deer.  

Michael Booth is one of Matt's very favorite people.
They have had their picture taken together every year for the past three.
Next year, Matt's gonna be taller than Michael!!

It's really hard to catch the Booth Brothers all together so we had to settle for individual shots. 

Matt with Ronnie Booth

Matt with Jim Brady

                                         

Another group we really love is Ernie Haase and Signature Sound.  Matt loves how these guys dress and I ended up spending big $$ updating his wardrobe!!

There is so much more I could say about Matt like how he has a tender heart, how he is a great help to his Dad and me, how he's growing into a young man of integrity.  I look forward to the coming days and years of watching him grow into the man God has designed him to be!  

So why IS it always about Dawsyn?  It's not!  Dawsyn's big brother is pretty great too!!

Dawsyn turns Nine

I'm having trouble believing that is beautiful girl of ours is nine-years old already!

Blowing out the candles

She received a pair of mittens (because she loves to wear them

regardless of weather) and refused to take them off ... it was fun 

watching her try to open the rest of her gifts with them on!

Looking far too grown up.

She received one of her favorite gifts a couple days early

when her cousins were here.  Auntie Shauna sent her a gardening

set.  What a winning gift ... a pair of gloves AND a watering can!!

She's been in seventh heaven since!